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Sunday, May 24, 2009

Some things in my mind

We are witnesses of all kinds of evil around us. Small or big, there is not a single person in this world, who has led a life, not knowing what evil is. Sometimes we are the cause, sometimes only a witness. It is for whatever reason, evil side of life makes us what we are. If we never knew the evil side of life, we will never get to know what the “real world” is like. It is only then we grow up to accept the cruelty of men. Greed, arrogance, need for power and pleasure of different kinds make people lose their sense of right and wrong. The overpowering need to HAVE, make a person lose all sight. They lose their way from innocence and get sucked to the causes of evil. It is said that don’t hate the criminal hate the crime. This saying is though somewhat true, it is not entirely true, because the evil deeds are carried out by human. It is their decision, their choice when an evil deed takes place. The world would be haven if people did not have these kinds of wants. Some wants that people have are innocent but the means to achieving those wants are wicked. It is not my place to judge but I had my share of wickedness. I have done and learned from my doings. I have witnessed sin and sometimes was a part of it, or just said nothing. I was too insecure of the worlds ways that I thought someone else will know best. However, I have come to find out that, the fact that I was insecure and unknowledgeable of the worlds ways, actually kept me a better person. Now I am corrupted. I am as like people who are ordinary, to some extent evil. Knowing how the world works and losing all sense of imagination was not the best thing that happened to me. Now things are just more complicated, more hurtful then they were before. EVIL, It is a vague term in this case. Because it is all of the bad we can think of. Form murder to just telling a lie. But a lie might be as painful as death. Because we always have in mind that it is better to escape from the truth than to face it. And something as innocent as just telling a lie is better than facing the consequences at present. But, the real thing is that I lie Kills. It kills relationships, It hurts loved ones, It kills the person telling the lie.


Posted by Aveen at 2:40 PM | | Comments

Believe

To believe is the most powerful weapon on earth. What we believe answers many questions also keeps some unanswered. Still we have faith in the power of the mind. For me I believe many things and question a lot too. Though some times my existence is questioned, I never question God. I sometimes believe there are so many galaxies what if there is another world with people. What if, they have gone through the whole process of what we are going through. What if what they have written down for us is what we believe to be “The book”. Don’t get me wrong I’m not questioning God’s existence, but I do wonder about the whole process. It is in philosophical words called Idealism. What I believe I think of it as true.
I also believe in the “Law of attraction”. It is a theory that what I believe in I attract that. If I keep telling myself that good things will happen to me, I attract good things in my life. If I believe, bad things will happen to me I will attract bad things in my life. There is a perfect example to go with this belief too. Once I saw a movie about the whole thing. It also had this board where you stick all you want to achieve in life. I put up the board in my room. I wanted a job, my own business that will be in fashion, traveling, having fun, rollercoaster’s and that I will do a good result. I believed in my board. I believed that by looking at it everyday I would achieve my goals in no time. I funny and amazing thing is that I did. I got a job in 3 days and got offers from 3 different companies at the same time. With a job, I was getting good grades. My job required me to organize a fashion show. The plan was mine, and I got to meet Bibi Rusel one of the most influential people in the fashion industry. I talked to her. Another goal fulfilled I found out that my sister wanted to go on a vacation in Europe, only me and her. Coming from a middle class family this was not a thing that I would even dream of. There was no way that my parents would let us go alone in an euro trip. They did. In August me and my sister went to Europe. We went to Germany, Sweden and France. We had all the freedom in the world, also had a lot of fun. In France I got to fulfill another dream of mine which was riding on the rollercoaster. Traveling and having fun was done. I also had money on my board. Not to brag or anything I got 100 dollars as gift from my sister and 50 dollars as Eidi. Yes I got rich. Overall, I got the chance to fulfill the things I wanted, at least in parts. The law of attraction did work. I believe that because I believed, it became true. So, I guess that makes me an idealist.


Posted by Aveen at 2:37 PM | | Comments

Thursday, April 30, 2009

What does it MEAN???

Amar onek shahosh..... ami jeta bhoy pai ota face kori and try to get rid of my fear. For example- I am shit scared of snakes. even if i watch them on the tv screen i almost have a heart attack. so to get rid of this insane fear i strated watching snakes then, i made myself touch one and now when ever i see one i calm myself down to control the fear. I also did a lot of stuff ... lot of stupid stuff in my life. i sang stupid songs, made a fool out of my self too many times, danced, i took part in a movie, i even walked the ramp, not to mention screamed, and dress up really khat and pulled it off. no one ever said anything to me coz i didn't care. i made fun of myself before anybody ealse did. i did not care. i was comfortable in my own skin. i was crazy and liked every part of it.
So, would you say i have a fear of anything?
Yes, I am dead scared of my shadow. I fear people will find out I'm worthless, empty inside.I fear that everyone who loves the way I am will know I have nothing to be loved for. Mostly i am terrified of the disappointing look in someone's eye. may it be a person who is a disappointment themselves. i fear the fear i have inside.

I am not smart enough to figure out the ways of the world.
I am not strong enough to face what i'm terrified of.
I am not intelligent enough to discover, invent or deliver.
I am not an artist to paint love, nor a photographer to take a picture of an emotion.
I can't sing life, nor write dreams.
God did not even make me stupid enough not to realize my lackings.
I am half of myself. and in search for the other half.
I will always be too smart to be damb and to damb to be smart.

then what does it mean?


Posted by Aveen at 10:16 PM | | Comments

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Energy of life

Eyes are to see but for the lack of knowledge I am blind
Strength is in the heart, lack of power makes it weak
Happiness is sensed, but the longing for materialistic possessions makes my smile faded
Aspirations are dreamt, but the dark path in front makes it difficult to reach the destination.
For all the barriers in life, to overcome is the victory. The driving force is the energy of life.

Love Hope Faith Lust Trust Dream Joy
the force that makes us go to sleep at night just to wake up to see a new day light


Posted by Aveen at 8:37 PM | | Comments

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

NLDS ; AIESEC

What a journey. the last few months have been the worst worst worst possible days of my life... i have gone through things and meet the cruellest side of people. at times i lost all willingness to go on. then there was NLDS. I wanted to be an OC on a conference for a long time and NLDS came at the right time. though i had a bad time when i was there. some part of me was always missing a friendship people had with each other. i never had that. people shared lives, their interest, they loved their fellow AIESEC'ers, they were all one. no one has felt like this for me ..nor did I!! i miss that. i tend to not miss anything in my life, that is way i keep myself in a little distance. but this time the distance was too much. i actually got detached from everything and was left all alone. The thing I would have missed the most is the parties and the Jives..... in my last @ conference I did not even get to do that.
the whole point of lifting my spirit, did not happen for me. but yes a moment will live with me forever, that is the talk I had with Rubayat bhai. i owe him my whole memory of NLDS 2009. If I had words I would have written a touchy blog for him. but alas i'm not a master of words. I just hope he does great in life and does great things for other people. He is not an inspiration, he is the inspiration.


Posted by Aveen at 10:49 PM | | Comments

Death

Death. What are we so afraid off. Only that the body will not work. Is that what we fear. Is it the thing that I will never talk listen smell see feel taste touch or breath ever again? What is the fear of? For me I am experiencing death every moment. I am dying inside every second. If my soul is being wounded so much what else is left of Me? Just the fact that I breath and walk ? Look into my soul. I have lost all of me and more. To me I am dead. Only wait for the body to stop. Every time my soul died I became a new me. I became older and wiser. I needed to get wiser. That is why I stopped complaining. But now. Every bit of me is bursting up in protest that I am not well, nor have I been made wiser or stronger. I am only me and I know now that I am not gifted. Nor Do I possesses any unique quality of any kind. Nor have I succeeded to becoming a better person. I am Just Aveen. And my life has no purpose nor have I been able to make it meaningful.
Only to fulfil a dream of those who brought me into this earth, I have come as far as I have. I dare dream any different for my dreams are only childish. Now I have lost the ability to dream. Now it is not me that dreams, it is not me who wants to dream ... it is the dream that is looking for me. I am just waiting. Waiting for the dream to find me.
I lost my path so long ago that I don’t even have the courage to go back. And more over I don’t want to. I have never corrected what I did wrong nor let go of it. So I live with it and now Living is only living . I know I will never have life to my living. Happiness is not felt anymore. It is a state of mind.


Posted by Aveen at 10:31 PM | | Comments

Sunday, July 20, 2008

FRIEND

In my short life I have come across so many wonderful people. and the wierd thing is is I have failed to acknowledge any of them as one of my own.... a good friend. Yah!! sure they were there ... they were always the ones i would like to share my problems with but never have they held a special place in my heart. Yes!!! I am crule when it comes to friends. FARIAL a friend of mine, her and me were a team. pepople used call both our names togather we were undivided. she is actually the one who tought me what friendship is. we have a strange relationship. we dont talk much, but we keep ourselves updated about each others life. she tought me what friend means and what to do with it. I have a very bad habit of letting the good memories go easily so that i don't miss it and get hurt. though I forget to let go of the bad ones....!!! anyways but any vague memory I have of a good time with my friends I remember Farial. hahaha... i consider myself as a lausy friend. I guess that is what i am but i am blessed with friends like her. DON'T TELL HER.


Posted by Aveen at 7:26 PM | | Comments

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